you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
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me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.