Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
no their not