2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
That’s a good costume, I hope.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome