You’ll be OK
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A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
the three branches of government
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
me and who