God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
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I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.