Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The Joker was right
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.