Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no