my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past