Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Note to self: I am a note
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.