Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
True freaking story!
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.