My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
You Might Also Like
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
The happy life.. 😊
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.