Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
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My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat