My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
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If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season