A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time