“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
the short answer to this question
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?