Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
You Might Also Like
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”