They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
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Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Lmao the reply
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I am crying
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.