If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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What?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken