My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Breaking news:
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.