Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!