My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”