You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Lol.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”