jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Genius idea!!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us