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A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
He a real one for that
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.