I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I feel it
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
who wore it better?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out