*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]