Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
🖤✌🏽
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
found this cool rock hiking today
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Cats (2019)
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan