Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
You Might Also Like
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.