Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Meeeee too!
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Bill is short for Billiam
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic