t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.