Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.