Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
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This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages