day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses