Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Not helping
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.