relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…