When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.