the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Strangers have the best candy.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Friends that check up on you >
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.