When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Fight
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?