I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
📽️movie date🎞️
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Flowers bee like
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
is this store having a stroke wtf
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.