My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball