Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.