One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi