The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them