Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Well, that didn’t work.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.