IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
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friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar