Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion