ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
6: are snakes just neck?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Introverted vegans go meetless
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family