*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Day 2 of my diet
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting