Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
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Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
wishing you and yours all the best
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking