$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
this post was so formative to me
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The smoothest fall of all time
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
wow
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.